Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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