See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
