nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
