just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
