There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
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