We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
