I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
