How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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