There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
