i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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