i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
