I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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