i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Randomize
