I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You have to summon your inner elephant
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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