not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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