Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
