Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
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