I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach