Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
