just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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