he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
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i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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