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Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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