I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
