My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
