Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
