I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
