Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
