she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Found your dick twin last night
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
