I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Houston, we have a squirter
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
