Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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