If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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