I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
