so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Randomize
