Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
