One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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