Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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