My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
