i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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