whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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