i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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