walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
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dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
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It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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