saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
