i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
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