I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Randomize
