No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
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