i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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