This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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