Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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