I hate your face
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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