It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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