I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
