Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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