Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
