I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Randomize
