how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
