What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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