Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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